I arrived in Rishikesh, in India, where I had already spent a few weeks there before, and I went to several workshops, on tantra, yoga, kundalini yoga, ecstatic dance etc. I’m having fun, but I feel that more and more, I’m getting really late on my blog and that the pressure rises. But what pressure really ??? Oh well… Mine! me myself and I, all alone, that’s the best kind ;)!
Are we not our worst enemies sometimes?
But the thing that made everything switch was a “hug” I received at a tantra workshop. During this exercise, we had to give hugs to different participants or receive them. Whenever someone was supposed to give me a hug, I would “take over” to give as well. Until one of the participants, gave me a hug so beautiful and so pure, that I could not help but receive it. I felt so overwhelmed afterwards.
I understood that I did not know how to receive
And that I had never really accepted to receive and therefore never received.
By not knowing how to receive, I realize that I have deprived many people from giving to me. I deprived myself from receiving from others but also certainly from the universe (as a friend pointed out to me). And most importantly, all the mechanisms of my relationships have become crystal clear.
But now I have another question.
Do I really know how to give? Unconditionally?
Since this embrace, I’ve been feeling a little down, I must admit. It really clicked in my head, so there is obviously cleansing and digestion that is taking place. So, a lot of emotions are coming out: anger, frustration, sadness etc. Oh God !! Well, I know these processes :)! Still, it’s not so fun…
But the best happened 3 days ago when I hurt my back without doing anything… Oh happiness! Clearly my body tells me STOP! listen, contemplate, breathe.
And by stopping, contemplating, listening and breathing, I realize that there are two things that trigger me: This hug clearly triggered something and I quickly made the link with the second thing, my blog. But it does not match right away. Until I added the other element: the crowdfunding. I put myself under this pressure because I have not been able to accept the support of my friends and family who have so generously participated in my project. I feel in debt I guess.
I’m scared of not being worth their trust and not being able to give them back what they gave me. I realize that this feeling prevents me from doing a lot of things, but above all it prevents me from accepting that my friends and my family just wanted to participate in my project without even waiting for a counterpart.
Just because they love me and want to help me, support me, unconditionally …
Just by writing this, I have a strong emotion so it must be relevant :)!
I feel, that it’s only by being able to receive, unconditionally, that I will know how to give, unconditionally.
So, I will simply accept to receive these gifts and say
Thank you for your love, thank you for your support, thank you for being here, THANK YOU!
PS: The pain in my back is gone instantly …
PS2: No I’m kidding, still as bad :)!